anoesis \an-oh-EE-sis\, noun:
A state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion without cognitive content
Because five years ago
I posted this “word
of the day” on Facebook,
I remembered this morning
how I’d discovered my appetite:
a hankering for an empty brain,
“possible pain ahead.”
I love when I ignore red flags.
The fact is, I also love love.
I discovered this in my thirties,
when I fell in love five or six times
and nothing really came of it
because I was already in love
and wasn’t willing to give that up.
Nothing here has changed.
More than fifteen year later,
you’d think I would have grown out of it,
but my pining for anoesis
remains, wet mouthed and empty.
Some Buddhist giggles,
reminding me that craving
is the origin of hurt.
Get rid of desire and peace follows.
But I am a crappy Buddhist.
The love I want would be so cerebral,
it would dissolve my mind
into nothing, and passion
would be all that remains.
I could tell you explicitly,
but what’s the point? No
one can offer what I long for,
I suck at mediation,
and masturbation is just stupid.
So here I am, sitting in the corner,
writing bad poetry and crying.
Okay, not quite crying – whining
like a dog wanting to go out
and roll in the dirt right after a bath.
Keep that door closed, please.
Katherine Gotthardt, Copyright 2016